Stephanie Sugars
Life's rip roaring roller coaster ride and the RNC

Drechsler. Detail from Large Still Life with Butterflies, Glass Bowl and Grapes, 19th Century


Glacier (John William Grant and Thorarinsson Birgir) – You Got Me Singing by Jack & Amanda Palmer

This pain

It is a glacier moving through you

And carving out deep valleys

And creating spectacular landscapes

And nourishing the ground

With precious minerals and other stuff

So, don't you become paralyzed with fear

When things seem particularly rough

More about the album – You Got Me Singing by Jack & Amanda Palmer

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  Stephanie Sugars
Stopcock and stopgap measures

Isis, 1st century BCE, from Egypt, bronze, 29.8 cm.


Weekend nurse Jennifer came with the irrigation adapter and got my drain flowing again.

She even brought a spare stopcock as another stopgap measure.

Of course, the problem is likely to recur and a solution won't always be available.

It occurs to all of us that the ratio of solid tumor to more fluid ascites may have shifted, so that I've pockets or loculations of fluid that won't be gotten to with a new drain line or big fat needle or wishful thinking.

Taking more morphine along with the methadone and biding my time. Napping!

The Circle of...

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  Stephanie Sugars
The uninvited guest

Redtail Hawk - Kate Wolf


The guest is inside you, and also inside me ~ Kabir


The drain is clogged again this morning.

I find myself receiving the uninvited guest - a watermelon belly pressing against the laptop computer. The fog outside my window wafts in lemon scent and I'm plunged into the moment again.

Yesterday, Judy made peach ice cream and we sat out by the pond with Pam and the grand sons feasting on the fruits of this season. So sweet, so tender, so ephemeral. The cool-warm breeze came to break the most recent heat wave. The phoebe...

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  Stephanie Sugars
Quick note - in the flow

Hospice nurse was able to come to my home with an irrigation kit and free up the drain line this evening. Lost over 2#. Enjoyed a bit of dinner and now wrung out.

So very grateful for the relief and that we can plan to do this at home weekly.

If the entire drain line gives out later, then I can get it replaced, but I have some breathing space now. At least from this problem.

I am still terminally ill.

much love & gratitude, Stephanie

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  Stephanie Sugars
This Is A Rant!

Who can help but be happy with lilies like this right outside?


An Awe-Inspiring Performance by Wu Man


Dear mylifeline friends,

I’m having a meltdown this morning and I thought I’d show it to you, since many of you believe I’m calm, cool and collected, no matter the circumstances.

Right now, I’m at my edge!

My drain didn’t drain this morning. Tried two different drain bags, walking, twisting, bending, getting down on my knees, getting on hands and knees, lying on one side, then the other. Praying, chanting, swearing and waiting.

No, it...

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  Stephanie Sugars
Living and dying in the zone - which zone?

Beheaded Christian martyr, carved in wood and ivory. Champagne, France. ca. 1500. Wellcome Collection.


Today, like every other day, we wake up empty

and frightened. Don’t open the door to the study

and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.

There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

~ Rumi


I’m not a believing Christian, but I’m a practicing Christian. ~ Freeman Dyson, physicist


It’s been a while and I’m sorry if my lack of communication has worried anyone.

Every bit of “spare” energy has been going toward rebuilding...

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  Stephanie Sugars
Today ends well!

Gilles Frydman photograph 6-26-16


Kinder by Copper Wimmin


All’s well that ends well and today is ending well.

Tomorrow, we’ll see.

Dizzying day – after not being able to drain this morning, I called in my hospice nurse who called in my hospice doctor who called in the radiologist who called me in for an afternoon procedure to bust the clot.

A syringe of tPA was administered through my one-way valve with a very cool and simple adaptor. Then two syringes of saline. Instructions to wait 4 hours, then try draining. The nurses hadn’t even...

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  Stephanie Sugars
One Woman’s Prayer - MaMuse

One Woman’s Prayer - MaMuse

Written by: Karisha Longaker



Earthly Mother

Divine Seer that sees

Create me again

Take me in your hands

Bring out what’s inside of me

Guide me in these times

While war is being waged

On my family

Oh make me an instrument of song

That I might learn harmony

Anchor into me the rhythm of living love

A song in which I can believe

Take my hands

Lead me onward

May I become the woman

I am meant to be

Give me strength

To keep on walking

Even when I cannot see

And I will carry the torch

From those who have come before

To those who have yet to be


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  Stephanie Sugars
Death - It's gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha

Blondie - One Way Or Another



The coin that pays for ecstasy is always stamped despair. One cannot love empathically until one wanders there.

Jane Krainin



Sucks, sucks, sucks!

No, I just wish it would suck.

My drain isn’t sucking today and I’m stuck with a taut belly on my way to the oncologist.

My hospice doctor laid out a plan of action – if this persists, then back to the hospital to see about getting it imaged and then flushed (the system has a one-way...

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  Stephanie Sugars
Streaming over consciousness' shoals

Rock Me on the Water

Get down to the sea somehow!

I strive to never repeat post a song, poem or image, but this song returns like the rain. It's unlikely I'll ever feel rain again. Nor will I visit the seashore, mountains, desert, snow or lush forests. So grateful for memories, they sustain me.


I would love to live like a river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding.

John O’Donohue



This update is going to be a bit stream-of-consciousness, since I’m flowing along with the current now. It’s gentle and...

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