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SS

Stephanie Sugars
Welcome, dear friends and guests!

SS

MY DEATH CARE WISHES

Mount Haleakala from Sheri - Thank you! This is how outliving my prognosis seems to me - incredibly rough, but vast, beautiful and containing all.

xox

"Prayer" piano music by Rosemary Duxbury (performed by Patricia Siffert)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEei3zIGzog&nohtml5=False

xox

Marlene and mylifeline friends, here's a cleaned up version of my death care wishes. You are welcome to copy and paste anything that works for you. I've stripped personal information, phone numbers, etc. from it to maintain privacy.

My Circle of Care is a group of about 20 close friends and family who've been accompanying me for over four years. All are committed to seeing me through to death and beyond. Each has particular talents and skills and I've worked with several to prepare our friends' bodies for home funerals.

I'm a member of The Christian Community - a small, esoteric movement based on the work of Rudolf Steiner and wish to celebrate my death with their ceremonies and sacraments.

While I've tried to be thorough, I may have forgotten some things. Feel free to point out omissions as well as what's unclear or confusing.

I want to make my dying as easy as possible for everyone!

many blessings, Stephanie

xox

MY DEATH CARE WISHES

Stephanie Sugars

Updated June 2016

MEDICAL DECISION MAKING

My Durable Medical Power of Attorney representatives –– know my medical and death care wishes as outlined in this document and detailed in conversation and will try to fulfill them.

I am currently under hospice care at home with the provider Memorial Hospice. In event of medical emergencies or situations, please call their 24/7 nurses. My oncologist and primary care physician is -.

Do not call 9-1-1! Call hospice (see prior paragraph for instructions).

There are medical instructions and forms, including the hot pink POLST form, on the side of my refrigerator.

And also my priest knows of my wish for last anointing before death and funeral services within a few days after death.

My friend E. can arrange a priest and server for my last anointing and to later help set-up the funeral services (see below).

Please call on the above representatives, doctor, priest and E. for help if I am failing, unconscious or seem to be dead.

Please remember to call my stepmother.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR SHORTLY BEFORE DEATH:

I prefer to die outside and to have an after death at-home vigil inside my home for up to 3 days, depending on timing of funeral and cremation.

If I’m dying indoors, please create a beautiful, sacred space. Keep it clutter-free, chaos-free and conscious. Try to remove used and dirty dishes, clothes, medical supplies, etc. to create a space of peace, beauty and warmth. Even if you think I’m unconscious or won’t care about messy physical or emotional environment, please act as if I do.

I consider actively dying to be a private act, so please restrict guests to 2-4 in the room during my final hours. My hospice care team will know when to limit guests.

Live music, Threshold Choir or other, is welcome. Electronic or recorded music isn’t.

Live or cut garden flowers are okay, but hothouse flowers are not.

Please no cell phones, computers or televisions (electronic devices) in the dying or after death vigil room.

No cameras, cell phone photos, etc. of my dying or dead body. Drawings, paintings or other artistic renderings are welcome. I welcome being truly seen.

Please ask Elinor Biller to come for Jin Shin Jyutsu sessions, even if I’m unable to schedule it myself - 707-696-4731 (c)

Also please invite my therapist to visit during my final days.

Please keep well-wishers informed of my process through my blog at www.mylifeline.org/stephaniesugars , friends, word-of-mouth and any other informal communication systems.

Prayers and good wishes from folks of all faiths are welcome.

Medicine:

There’s a ziplock bag on the side of my fridge that contains pills to give just before time of death: Amrita pills (“dutsi” in Tibetan) that can be given to you, with instructions for their use. Amrita means “immortality” in Sanskrit. These “deathless pills” can be ingested at any time, but general bardo instructions are to take them when the signs of the outer dissolution begin. You can put one pill in a bottle of water each day and then sip it. You can place the pills under the tongue or behind the lip and let them dissolve. Dutsi can also be placed on the brahmarandra (crown chakra) with a bit of lotion to make it stick. You can get dutsi from a Lama, or spiritual friends.

There’s also benediction oil from Flower Essence Society on my refrigerator to be used at discretion of Circle of Care members. A little goes a long way, as it’s strongly scented.

Thanks for making certain I have a last anointing in the Christian Community. (see above for how to arrange)

DEATH

I anticipate dying at home.

Please do not resuscitate.

Please record time of death for paperwork.

If I die when members of my hospice team aren’t present, please call them at 707-568-1094 to tell them I’ve died. Waiting several hours to call is fine, if it unfolds that way. They’ll come to collect narcotics and equipment and complete other, necessary tasks. My nurse Thalia DeWolf and nurse Heather Wahanik are interested in preparing bodies for home funerals and I’d like to extend the invitation to them to join too. Again, if appropriate.

I would like to have an after death at-home vigil (wake) for up to three days then be cremated after a Christian Community funeral.

Circle of Care member will be contact person for Jerrigrace Lyons of Final Passages 707-824-0268. If she’s available, Jerrigrace can direct my Circle of Care to prepare my body for up to three days lying at home. She can also work with my medical DPA to file the necessary paperwork with the county and transport my body from at-home vigil to funeral to crematorium.

If she is not available, I hope she has a designated substitute who can handle the paperwork and transport of the body. Members of my Circle of Care, including have all prepared bodies for at-home vigils and may be available work together on the process, should Jerrigrace Lyons be unavailable.

I do NOT want my dead body or organs to be disturbed by any medical procedures – autopsy, coroner’s exam, dissection or organ donation. My physical body shall not be embalmed or in any way artificially preserved, except by means of refrigeration or dry ice. Hospice or my primary care physician can sign the death certificate, since I am under their continued care.

PREPARING THE BODY FOR THE AT-HOME VIGIL

I’ve engaged anthroposophic medicine and The Christian Community: Movement for Religious Renewal as indicated by Rudolf Steiner for 20 years and would like my dying; last anointing; the preparation of my body; at-home vigil and funeral services to conform as closely as possible to his indications for these important transitions.

It’s okay to leave my body for a few hours (overnight?), while the preparers gather. It would be nice if someone(s) were to stay with it, quietly reading spiritual material, holding sacred space. Silent meditation, prayers, sacred readings, poetry and music can form a protected area around the physical-body that allows a gentle separation of the soul-body and life- or etheric- body. Thinking and speaking quietly and lovingly of the dead also aids transition from the physical body.

I prefer my body to be prepared under the direction of Jerrigrace Lyons of Final Passages 707-824-0268 in consultation with circle of care coordinator. Preparers can include interested Circle of Care members who’ve been caring for me as I die, plus ---

If there is a shortage of preparers, I hope Circle of Care friends will engage the Sacred Threshold Guild, a group of local anthroposophists and Christian Community members committed to preparation of the body and at-home vigils in accordance with Rudolf Steiner’s indications.

The preparers and the Circle of Care members can arrange the viewing space, set visit times, receive guests and coordinate communication with visitors.

The Circle of Care can also decide whether to “give away” my belongings during at-home vigil, funeral or memorial. I leave it in your capable hands.

I want to lie-in-honor on a draped massage table in my cottage. Dry ice is fine. Please cover most of my body, but okay to leave head, hands and feet exposed.

Please no makeup.

My death display clothes are in the red duffle bag in the commode closet.

My friend M in The Circle of Care is inspired at preparing the home funeral site.I prefer only seasonal plant material (cut garden flowers and greens) and no hothouse flowers. It’s okay to forego flowers, in the off-season. This is for the home funeral and the Christian Community funeral. A lit beeswax candle would be good – there are extras in the wicker chest in my living room, but my face should not be in shadow.

VISITING THE AT-HOME VIGIL (please see below for who to invite)

Please keep doors and windows closed, but curtains open. My etheric body requires three days to separate from my physical body. My soul will simultaneously be undergoing a “life review”. Peace, love, light, warmth, safety, quiet and understanding in the vigil room or even the final vigil hours in the mortuary cold room will allow the process to complete before cremation.

There should be visiting hours each day – so people can come to say good-bye and be together. I hope people will tell loving stories, grieve, celebrate and enjoy both the vigil room and outdoors. The tone should be quiet, respectful and sacred, the room should feel open and welcoming to those coming to say their last farewells. Extreme mourning should be away from my body, so I feel free to go. Tears are fine! Just not pleas to return from the dead.

Those preparing the vigil should decide whether guests may bring food. Please be specific (example – finger food for guests to share). Please keep it clean and sober. No cell phones or cameras. No hothouse flowers or foliage.

I doubt any far-away friends or family members will come for the vigil, but some may want to attend my funeral. Please keep them informed via, mylifeline.org, email and/or phone.

Also, if it’s easily done, I’d love for guests to choose a poetry book, CD, tchotchke or cashmere sweater, scarf or hat as a remembrance of me. Remainders can be distributed at funeral, if appropriate.

A cardboard casket can be purchased from Jerrigrace Lyons of Final Passages and be decorated by vigil guests. An outside area would be great for this activity, but if weather or darkness prevents this, then the body could be in the bedroom and socializing and casket decoration could be in the main room.

THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY FUNERAL (please see below for who to invite)

My Durable Medical Power of Attorney representatives are responsible for the care of my dead body, including cremation.

The Christian Community funeral takes place after the at-home vigil and before the cremation, usually within 3 days of the death. The first portion of the funeral begins before the body is transported to the funeral place. The priest for the funeral will interview my close friends and family to develop a eulogy. Thanks in advance for your participation.

The funeral has a set format with only one eulogy (given by priest) and little time for music or community participation. Typically, friends and family gather afterward to sing, talk, eat, share, laugh, cry, etc. If there is to be a reception (Cookies? Pizza? Potluck? No alcohol please) after the funeral, please bring my poetry books, tchotchkes, CD’s, cashmere sweaters, scarves and hats for participants who’d enjoy mementoes (bring only if appropriate).

E. of the Santa Rosa Christian Community can help coordinate the two-part Christian Community funeral service – a small private one at the at-home vigil site and, if possible, a larger, public funeral at the Summerfield Waldorf School Eurythmy Barn. Timing and transportation of the body may be an issue, because the funeral will need to take place outside of school hours and the body needs to arrive at the crematorium during business hours. You’ll need to figure out the logistics!

If the Eurythmy Barn isn’t available, I’d like the funeral to be at the chapel at Santa Rosa Memorial Park Cemetery and Crematory 707-542-1580.

I would like my body to be cremated at Santa Rosa Memorial Park Cemetery and Crematory 707-542-1580, if possible.

An open viewing is fine, if it’s appropriate. And it’s fine to put my body in the cold room to allow flexibility for timing of funeral and cremation.

If E. isn’t available to make Christian Community arrangements, please directly contact my priest to arrange the two-part funeral.

If my usual Christian Community priest isn’t available, please contact the priest in SF

I’d like my friend B.K. to serve at the last anointing and funeral services, if he’s available.

R.E.D. may bring music to the funeral service or at-home vigil, please ask her.

WHO TO INVITE:

Please call everyone in my calendar/address book to invite them to attend both the after death at-home vigil and the Christian Community funeral. I’ve just updated my address pages to include only folks I feel close to now.

I’d also like news of at-home vigil and funeral to travel word-of-mouth; through the Commonweal community; to my family; to the Christian Community; Sacred Threshold Guild; the Threshold Choir; lesbian friends; Bouverie Preserve docents; potluck group; Anthroposophists; staff of the oncology center.

Please invite my healers in Medical section of date book – Robert Levine, Dr. Bozdech, Dr. Rosemary Rau-Levine, Dr. Rocks, Dr. Johanson, and Dr. Holland.

Readers of my blog will be invited to the at-home vigil and funeral through blog posts www.mylifeline.org/stephaniesugars

A short obituary in the Santa Rosa Press Democrat can announce my death and funeral only (not at-home vigil).

Additionally, I’d like be mentioned in the next subsequent local Christian Community Act of Consecration of Man.

FORMAL MEMORIAL

If my survivors wish to have a memorial, I ask that it be resonate with who I’ve been in the world and how you’ve known me. Please follow the guidelines above for the dying room, at-home vigil and funeral (photos, flowers, etc.).

Because we’ve connected intimately and authentically, I hope my memorial is about connecting with one another, not performance or praise. I hope it’s about honoring and grieving, as well as celebrating. And I hope the food is yummy and the location is natural and life-enhancing.

Because a memorial can be planned for weeks or months after the death, unlike the funeral which is typically within a few days, it should be easy to work up something satisfying to the participants and reflective of who I’ve been with/for you all.

FURTHER DETAILS

--- can pick up the tab on my vigil, filing of death papers, funeral, cremation, obituary and related costs.

I’d like my ashes to be buried at --- by family and friends. A California Black Oak tree above would be wonderful.

I make all of these requests with a sound mind and I am acting of my own free will. I wish to have my funeral instructions respected and followed by those who survive me.

Signed:________________________________________ Date___________

Witness________________________________________

Witness________________________________________

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