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SS

Stephanie Sugars
Welcome, dear friends and guests!

SS

Loving, learning and working are what I do!

Another photo by Gilles Frydman

June 26, 2016

xox

Music follows with poem

xox

Some of you are probably wondering, “what gives?

“Stephanie ends visits with her nearest and dearest, her oldest and bestest, but this guy we don’t even know is taking photos of her half-clothed?”

Well, my friends, it’s like this. The more inward I go, the more basic I grow. I’ve realized that the purpose of my life includes both learning and work. I may be addicted to learning, but I’m not a work-aholic. I don’t work to avoid my life, but because it’s my life.

Over a year ago, a wise counselor sent me home from the advanced cancer support group with the mantra, “I’ve done enough.”

On one hand, this is true – I’ve dropped my inner drive to prove my worth through working (remember, I haven’t worked at any recognizable profession or earned any taxable income for over 20 years).

No, I wasn’t working for traditional rewards, but intangibles – writing to save people’s lives and ease their deaths, showing up for loved ones (including newly found friends), committing myself to projects I deemed worthy of my energy.

Because my Social Security income comes from being a patient, I grew into the role of being a professional patient, a patient activist and advocate. I’ve been especially devoted to those who share my rare, genetic cancer-causing condition – Peutz-Jeghers syndrome. It is truly my birthright and birth gift. PJS and cancer have been channels for my life energy and purpose.

I truly believe that my karma and destiny are tied up with my body and these two big factors.

Now, I don’t ascribe karma (predestination, birthright or birth gift) to anyone else, I believe I chose this life, these conditions to do the necessary work. And, I’ve fulfilled that work, done enough, completed my original karmic tasks.

For many years, I’ve lived in the swirling vortex of karmic influence and destiny. In anthroposophy, this vortex is the space of freedom and choice. I am allowed to see the effects of my actions and to choose the best course. Of course, I’m often unaware and more often make “bad choices”, but I’m able to learn and evolve from those, so nothing is truly lost. My work became attentiveness and response – rather than habitual reactivity.

Now that I’m out of the eddy and back waters, I’ve let go of so much and am able to show up for what I truly feel is necessary now.

Visiting isn’t necessary, but completing life tasks is.

In the past few weeks, I’ve initiated and completed many projects and participated in some online conversations at breastcancer.org, smartpatients.com and the Commonweal Cancer Help Program online group.

The hour of photography with Gilles is part of my legacy – leaving images of spirit in a declining body. Gilles posted a wonderful tribute to me along with photos at his facebook page. I hope this link works, I’ve never linked to facebook before:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153978901433248&set=a.10151513316783248.1073741826.613573247&type=3&theater

The comments were especially wonderful to read, as friends from different parts of my life sent wonderful comments. And I felt warmth from unmet friends.

xox

My other work has been “earning my death”.

When I popped back from death as an infant, I felt the divine edict, “you can’t come home until you’ve completed your work.” (more of that story here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnpA4CbmJxQ )

What a burden for a baby – to learn the work, develop the capacity to do it, fail often, and keep on keepin’ on.

Somehow or another I no longer feel that pressure. I’ve truly done enough.

xox

Another life-death work possibility arose – the chance to contribute to a film on the home funeral movement. Jerrigrace Lyons of Final Passages asked if I’d be interested and I said yes. There is nothing else I need do now, but if I make it to/through July, I might make it onto film.

xox

I believe I will work unto death, not because I’m a stubborn mule, but it gives me joy.

That others en-joy it too is wonderful, but I’d work without acknowledgement or tribute.

It’s what I do.

Friends, what do you do? What are your birthrights and birth gifts? Do you sense that you’ve used them wisely? Or do you now seek something different, some other purpose? What gives your life meaning? What brings you joy and what joy do you bring to the world?

Well, my hour is up, so I’ll stop here this morning. Methadone, drain and nap. It's a life!

Sending so much love, joy and peace,

Stephanie

P.S. I'm changing my language about my condition from limited to focused. I do get a lot done, but am trusting my gut intuition to tune-in to what needs doing!

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