change in status
~ Zanetta Shinn, The Music Man
Seem to be rapidly moving toward death.
Seems like I spend most of my waking hours dealing with practical details, training and orienting caregivers and writing or amending instructions and notes. Still spend many more hours sleeping than waking. Basic bodily needs are few, but cared for by my Circle of Care members and hospice team. Hospice nurse trained Circle members last Wednesday.
Among other projects, I'm working on updating and upgrading a light blue binder to serve as a nexus point for Circle of Care.
Several months ago the Circle expanded or widened, so there are many new carers to orient to house and care. A hospice home health aid comes on Mondays and Fridays to help with care of my body and household tasks. I seem to have stopped showering - too much work to get my clothes off and on and bathe.
More details: I have overnight care from the Circle now and new systems to be worked out.
Still my intention to attempt to cross the threshold when the veils between the worlds are thin next Tuesday, November 1 or Wednesday, November 2 - Samhain, All Souls Night.
Since I'm still unwilling to use patient directed dying, I will surrender to the universe and stick around, if that's what divine wisdom asks again. My patience is continuously tried!
I am so ready to go and my efforts directed toward healing into death, rather than trying to healing into life again. So many miracle recoveries throughout my lifetime. The new miracle will be dying soon.
I swear, sometimes i feel like an immortal Anne Rice vampire done with all this eternity on earth in a human form. I am still happy and at peace, just ready to gotta travel on - Old Bob Dylan song, can't take the time to find a link to it. No link! I must really be sick! Maybe one of you can find it and post it in comments.
Too tired to write more, just wanted to send an update.
When I can no longer write, Angela will be sending semi-weekly updates to you via mylifeline. You'll also receive notices of my death, funeral that follows 3-days later and memorial will follow months later.
Thank you all for your cards, email and comments here. I'm sorry I can't respond, but hope you understand that you are loved by me and part of a loving, healing web and death only strengthens our connections.
Unless you are in my hospice team, we already have a date or you are a Circle member, I want you to know that we've already had our last in-person visit. My life is increasingly and deliciously cluttered with loved ones caring for me.
All gratitude and love forever, Stephanie
PS, my Commonweal beloved companions reunion n Bolinas, CA next Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm grateful we've said our in-person farewells and we'll hold one another in our loving circle of hearts.