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Paige Lewis
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(Entry 106) My 2nd Cancerversary!

August 2, 2014. My 2nd Cancerversary! Yes, I made it. I made it to the two year marker which is incredible news and worth celebrating. My odds of reaching the five year mark have just drastically increased. Those who are familiar with cancer know the five year mark is when you are officially considered cancer free! I am thrilled to be alive and so blessed to have friends, children, and family who love me.

So why did I find myself on an emotional roller coaster for the entire weekend? Because cancer is as much a mental battle as a physical one and it never ends. How can I celebrate where I am without remembering where I was on that very day just two years ago? How can I forget the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual pain that I battled, then and now? Cancer takes over your life, it consumes the patient in the midst of the fight and nothing matters but survival. It changed my life, it changed me, and it changed my present and my future.

During the weekend I was flooded with snapshots of things I endured, things my children endured, and a glimpse of what my caregivers endured. I am so grateful to everyone who sacrificed to help me through the battle and I am forever in their debt. I am alive today because of those who surrounded me with support, love, time, prayer, and generosity. I am alive today because my children gave me a reason to fight and my desire to be with them was enough motivation to never give up. If you ask my caregivers what they used to motivate me to get up and push through, they will say my children.

Now just two years later I look at them and how much they have grown and changed. I see them and think how blessed I am to still be here and witness the amazing lives they are living and I pray for many more years to be cheering them on and able to raise them myself. It is very easy to let the days pass and take tomorrow for granted. It is very easy to think “I’ll do that tomorrow” and we never expect tomorrow to be much different than today. I looked back over the last two years that I fought so hard to have with my children and I see times I missed, times I let work, relationships, exhaustion, laziness, creep in and steal moments I could have shared with them. I felt disappointed in myself for those missed moments.

I remembered the joy I felt the first time I could breathe on my own. The first time I could stand on my own. The first time I took a step. The first time I consumed something by mouth and not by a feeding tube. The first time I spoke. The first time I took a shower by myself. The first time I put on clothes. During those moments of recovery, everything I always took for granted became a monumental achievement and blessing. I have not lost sight of this entirely. When I look in the mirror and I see my beautiful scars of victory, I am reminded of that battle. When I can’t eat something I am reminded to be grateful that I can eat anything at all. When I talk on the phone I remember when I couldn’t. But sometimes I let the joy of a shower slip away, the gift of breathing on my own, and I let the gift of time slip away. I was profoundly reminded how every moment must count and that in the end all we are left with are those moments, the memories we created, the words we spoke, and the experiences shared. I was reminded I did not make every moment of the last two years count. I let too many slip by me and I was reminded the clock is always running and I need to be more aware and better at following my own advice.

I am now starting my third year as a survivor and I want to live a full life with those I love. It took me a week to write this entry because I was truly overwhelmed with emotions. My mind kept going back to where I was two years ago and the tears fell as I remembered how hard things were. I would focus on the moments I missed and beat myself up over them. I would let fear creep in and anxiety would hit me as I worried, “what if it comes back.” I struggled to let myself celebrate the day and had trouble being joyful for making it two years because I was stuck in the memory of pain and fear of it happening again. That is the constant mental battle of cancer. It’s the same anxiety a survivor feels with every visit to the oncologist. It can be crippling and hard to overcome, but after a positive visit with the oncologist this week I am feeling much better. My kids and I are healthy and happy, my joy is restored and I will continue to have Cancerversaries and hopefully I will make the most of every moment in year three, four, five and so on.

Much love to all,

Paige

TWO YEAR SURVIVOR!  

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