Alicia Madroy

Building The Perfect Breast

As a relationship consultant or Loveawake dating site I got of questions there about boobs, including the odd unasked for picture (please stop sending those - well to the other guys at least. I still enjoy them. Mostly.). Too big, too small, too far apart, too perky, nipples too big, my back is killing me here? We get 'em all. And the most common question is "I want a boob job, what should I get?"

Well, the perfect breast has now been discovered, thanks to the UK equivalent of the National Enquirer. Some of you may have heard of The Sun, very little of it good.

Page 3, which has had a very pretty and mostly unclad maiden on it 6 days a week day for the past 30 years puts our newspapers into the shade from a guy perspective, making it the paper of choice for the guys who do the hot, dirty, wolf whistling work and who don't want to read much.

The Sun has two rules for page 3. The gal being photographed must be between 18 (two years after the age of consent in the UK, so keep your eww's to yourself) and 40, and her boobs must be completely natural. They are so strict about the second requirement that when Katie Price (AKA Jordan) had enhancement surgery to turn her from merely large into cartoonish, she was promptly dropped and banned from appearing on page 3 ever again, instead moving to page 9, the gossip column covering Z list celebs. The ban lasted until she had her enhancement surgery reversed two years ago.

9200 pairs of natural breasts, the most attractive ones the editor (a woman, BTW) could find. Most guys see it as a pleasant diversion from their day. Dr. Patrick Malluci, a plastic surgeon who's practice mainly deals with fixing botched implants, completely missed the point and saw it as a research tool.

He spent three months with protractor, ruler, a computer and an erection (I am guessing) measuring every last aspect of the boobs on display and coming up with the formula for the perfect breast shape.
It is a long and complex equation, but, in summary, the perfect breast is distributed 45% above the nipple, 55% below, with the lower part as a gentle curve and the nipple pointing upwards at about 20 degrees, like a tank about to fire long range. Cup size is indeterminate, I guess it is whatever your back can stand.

Now, before you all panic and rush for the mirror, tape measure and protractors in hand, I want to remind you of something every last one of us has said multiple times in the past.

Most guys don't really care about size or shape.

Seriously, we don't. Sure, there are some Shallow Hals out there but, as most gals know, any pair of boobs is perfectly capable of reducing the majority of us to drooling idiots with the slightest glimpse.
Plastic surgery is for your own happiness in your self image, not a cure for being single, sad or lonely. Personally, I see nothing wrong with it, putting it on par with going to the dentist to get a crown or an implant. Just, if you do, make sure your surgeon is reputable, and has heard of the Malluci formula. Why get average, when you can get perfect, after all?

What do you think?

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