Two months ago today, on my 35th birthday, we celebrated the precious life of Sterling Sky. It seems like a dream. A false reality. Days go by and we are stuck in this odd time continuum. Words on this page cannot even begin to describe what we go through. Although it has been awhile since I have written I am reminded that it truly is a therapeutic action for me.
Our lives have “moved on” I suppose. I hate that phrase. It does not describe what we are doing. We are merely surviving. Yes, surviving. Hanging on by a thread most times. Without our precious loved one. Kids are back to school work. Some adults are back to work outside the home. Still a giant whole remains. An intricate piece of our puzzle is missing. Anxiety attacks in one form or another have affected nearly all of us. The heartache is so deep and so wide it seems unsurmountable.
People often ask me how everyone is doing. Somedays I want to be snarky and reply “Oh, we are fantastic. Life is grand.” Other days I want to yell back “We are falling apart. Hello?!” Instead I simply reply “Doing the best we can.” I know no other answer. We have“moved on” just is not right. Doesn’t fit the bill.
I sit in our newly redesigned living room. In many ways it is a tribute to our precious one. It is half decorated for Christmas and I am reminded that Christmas is a dreaded 17 days away. Honestly if it were not for the fact that we have other children in the RockStar home I do believe us adults would skip right over the day. These other precious babies need some normalcy. Whatever the heck that means. So we decorate. We muster up some happiness. We think about Christmas gifts. We remember the last Christmas we had with our RockStar. We cry. We busy ourselves on the outside so that the pain on the inside seems less. Alas that does not work. In truth we dread the day. We dread the season. We suffer the loss.
Our lives have been forever changed by the precocious 3 year old beauty.
Our journey has taken us to unimaginable places. It is far from being over. Cheers to day 135 and to all it has in store.
My love always.