I came down stairs rather irritated for no particular reason at all. Just part of what my days consist of as late. Regardless I need to start putting together the Thanksgiving menu so that we can do our annual food shop on Friday. Thanksgiving here is a big deal. A.HUGE.DEAL. We cook, eat, laugh and begin dreaming of what Christmas is going to be like this year. Only I do not want to celebrate Christmas this year. Heck I do not even want to celebrate Thanksgiving. If there were a fast forward button I surely would use that option now.
Usually I wold have posted on my FB page something I am thankful for everyday in November. Only I am not t*h*a*n*k*f*u*l. Now before you start penning emails, text messages and or private messages please hear me out. I am thankful for everything that God has blessed us with. EVERYTHING. But my spirit of thanksgiving is just very difficult to muster up at the moment. I am not thankful she is no longer with us. I am not thankful she got cancer. I am not thankful that her precious little life ended in such tragedy. However I am thankful that she is no longer in pain and dealing with all the issues that came along with the horrible buddy that grew in her brain. I am thankful for all the memories and fun we had in her last days. I am thankful that I will see her again.
The view from where I sit this moment is of all her precious play things. Ironically they take up the space where we put up our live Christmas Tree that generally arrives the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It doesn’t feel like time to move them. Nothing feels right. Nothing is no longer the same. We have already celebrated 2 birthdays within the RockStar house without her. That was painful. That was rough. How are we ever going to get through Thanksgiving and then Christmas? Seems unfathomable. It will be here before we know it.
As I ask the kids of the house what they want to have for our feast they all start naming off things that were Sissy’s favorite. Only none of them realize everything they are choosing is her favorite things until I am a big bucket of tears. This year my lap will be empty. My little holiday eating buddy is gone. I miss her terribly. We all do.
Back to meal planning I go. Creating a feast like none we have ever had. One without Sterling, one with all her favorite things. So this year I am t*h*a*n*k*f*u*l for renewed family bonds and the ability to continue to celebrate the life of our sweet Sterling Sky and the journey that has lead us here.