What day is it again??
Wow time passes so strangely now. At times it feels as if it doesn't move at all and other times it flies by, unable to grab it back. As time DOES continue to march ahead, I wanted to post a little update.
We have made it through the Life Celebration for Sterling, hard and beautiful as it was. Now comes the awkward task of trying to move forward, in our new reality, new normal. Have you ever tried a new dance before learning the steps? You're fumbling to keep up with the music, stepping on the feet of your innocent partner who's in the same boat, questioning if you'll ever get this down, and who came up with this in the first place?! Welcome to where we're at! All of us seem to be in this limbo-like place, still feeling out how to move. I fight in my head with not WANTING to move on, not without her. I then argue that I must, I have a son who needs me. The debate continues on, back and forth (believe me, I like to argue).
Recently what popped into my head after some back and forth is the memories with Sterling toward the end of her journey. I could read the signs, I saw our time coming to a close and it broke my heart. Well, unknown to me, that thought would cross my face and Sterling would ask me "Why you sad?" or "Why you have a sad face?". This happened a few times and it makes me think now. Sadness is a part of all this, I will be sad, in some ways forever, but I can't stay there. Sterling would have pulled me out if she were here. That's not a place we can stay. It needs to be more of a "drop in for a while" sort of place where I can come, NEED to come feel my loss (which is good and necessary), but then continue forward. Not forgetting, not dismissing or replacing but needing to continue because there is more to come. More life: good, bad, hard, exhilarating - LIFE. Life for me, for my husband, for my son, for countless others around me and far away. Life together.
We all miss Sterling, we all internally ache over the missing part of our hearts. Even Bastien, Sterling's 5yr old brother; not a day goes by that he doesn't say he misses her and wants her. I remind him as I do myself, "We ALL miss her and will see her again". She's not hurting, she's great! She wouldn't want me sad all the time. I can still hear her in my ears "Why you sad Mama? Why you have sad face?" She's not here and still making me a better person. Thank you Sissy! Mama loves and misses you! -Mama Rockstar